The Heavy Hitter

This is a dramatization

As some of you know, I’ve been on stay-cation for about two weeks, and in my copious free time I’ve been watching some television. Mostly it’s back and forth between CNN and Comedy Central. On occasion I watch the local stations to catch the local news.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Lexington area personal injury law menu, there’s a guy out there who bills himself as “The Heavy Hitter.” If you watch his commercials, you’ll know why. They guy doesn’t miss too many meals. But it isn’t his girth that I’m going to take to task here. It’s the complete idiocy of his latest commercial.

It opens with him approaching a jail cell. Behind bars are George Washington, Ulysses S. Grant, and Benjamin Franklin. They all have this green cast to them; green like, say, money. For those of you playing at home, Washington, Grant, and Franklin are the faces on the one, fifty, and hundred dollar bills, respectively. The whole point of the ad is to say that the nasty insurance company is locking up YOUR money. I’m not disputing that insurance companies are nasty, so let’s move on.

So we’ve got Green Washington, Green Grant, and Green Franklin behind bars in some television jail cell. And while we are treated to this site, the following offensive word appears at the bottom of the television screen.


Let me say that again.


Are you #$%@% kidding me?! Really? Because for a moment I thought that The Heavy Hitter™ (he gets a quarter every time someone says that) had somehow used his demonic powers (that he got in one of several deals with Satan, along with a passing grade on the bar exam…it’s a bundle plan) to not only bring the dead back to life, but to also turn them green. I’d love to have been in the advertising board room when that decision was made. I had thought about writing a fake script as to how that conversation went, but my mind can’t wrap itself around the fact that it happened at all.

Plus, I’m just lazy today. But I think we can all agree that if you watch that commercial with the aim of calling this guy for legal help, and you need the visual cue to tell you that the three dead statesmen with the greenish hue are just pretend, then you’d probably be doing yourself a favor if you went outside and beat yourself in the head with a sledgehammer a few times.

And if you die, just get him to bring you back to life. Minus the greenish hue would be preferable.