Is this thing on?

Hey, Joe, whaddya know?

How to run for Congress, apparently.

Copyright laws on the Joe the Plumber brand prohibit me from using an image of him, so here's basic cable television star Michael Chiklis.

Yes, Samuel Wurzelbacher, who played the part of “Joe the Plumber” on the 2008 sitcom “The Presidential Election,” has filed papers to run as a Republican in Ohio’s Ninth Congressional District.

In the interest of capitalizing on the “Name, followed by the definite article ‘the,’ followed by an occupation” (it’s kind of fun like a Mad Lib, isn’t it?), I have a slate of candidates of my own.

Mack the Knife – Tough on crime, but his foreign policy skills leave something to be desired. “Nice country you have here, Mr. Karzai. Be a shame if something happened to it.”

Knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

Bob the Builder – Solid work ethic, although his union ties may be a problem with conservative voters.

Jimmy the Greek – Postive: He’ll lay you odds on a matchup between the U.S. military and any other country in the world. Negative: He’s dead.

Pro-recycling.

Oscar the Grouch – No wife. No kids. No nonsense. Also, probably the greenest candidate around.

Alice the Camel – For when those meetings of the House Subcommittee on Whether to Charge by Column Inch or by the Word get so dull they need a musical pick-me-up that only a Cub Scout singalong can produce.

Darth Plageuis the Wise – Not sure, but I think Dick Cheney killed this guy in his sleep.

Ack!

Bill the Cat – Hairballs on the floor of the U.S. House. It would probably compliment the manure that has been collecting there since time immemorial.

I’m sure there are others, but my brain is shot. Feel free to supply them yourselves in the handy-dandy comments section below. And subscribe if you haven’t already.

Carly & Me

I never knew this song was about me...

I have a confession to make. I am the man Carly Simon is singing about in “You’re So Vain.”

To be fair, I never did think that song was about me. It wasn’t until a few years ago, I was, for no apparent reason, perusing my scarf collection with a friend when she pointed to one and said. “Hey! That’s apricot. Like that song.”

Just to set the record straight, that one eye I had in the mirror was my lazy eye, which is why I keep my hat tipped so low over it. It’s very light sensitive.
My downfall with Carly was “the morning after.” There are three words every woman wants to hear from her lover first thing in the morning.

Unfortunately, they are not “what’s your name?”