He is the very model…

abilityThis has happened. Today a man put his diminutive hands on a book he’s likely never read and recited words from a document, similarly unread, to take a job he clearly never wanted.

I didn’t watch it myself. I’m waiting for something else in my life that I can point to and say, “Now I’ve seen it all.”

As Mr. Trump spun the wheel of fortune, egged on by a carnival barker, in order to select his cabinet and advisors, it became clear he wasn’t serious about governing. As the names – and the credentials attached to those names – became public, I started thinking that Mr. Trump was not picking a cabinet. He was casting a Gilbert and Sullivan opera.

It was in that spirit that I began a project during my time off during the recent holiday season. –  “What I Did for Christmas Vacation.” I’ve also applied for the job of court jester in the new Trump administration. I expect to get a few digs in before the collective brain trust at the newly gilded White House brings its considerable intellect to bear and discovers that the president doesn’t have a jester, or a court for that matter.

If you’d like to sing along, by all means do so.

This is only the instrumental track. I don’t care about President Hyperbole enough to add the lyrics, so don’t follow the bouncing ball. Ignore the chorus. I could not find a slower tempo that did not include the chorus from the original tune, so just sing louder than the canned musicians.

In attempting to sing it myself, I’ve determined that the lyrics are a tad unsingable, but I encourage you to give it a good try anyway. If anyone has ideas on how I might massage these lyrics to make them trip off the tongue more efficiently, I’m open to suggestions. I wouldn’t mind recording this one day, so anyone interested in joining in that effort, please let me know.

Also, I feel the need to remind my fellow liberals (we are sometimes a sensitive lot) that there is some offensive language in here. I am writing this in his voice. It has been a bravery test for me, and I may be doing a lot more of it in the next four years.

If you want to listen to the original, which is far superior to any parody, go here.

If you want to hear the best parody of this, go here.

And now…

WHAT I DID FOR CHRISTMAS VACATION

donald-trump-firedTRUMP:
I am the very model of an autocratic President
My bigly governmental pseudo-knowledge should be evident

‘Tis constitutional aberrance that I owe my victory
(Tho’ voter count would seem to show my win is contradictory)

Detractors count my inexperience as liability
I’ll counter them with immature and petulant hostility

To Twitter I will go to give my thoughts upon diplomacy
The guy who wrote these lyrics is a hack at rhapsodomancy.

deplorable1LES DEPLORABLES*:
The guy who wrote these lyrics is a hack at rhapsodomancy.
The guy who wrote these lyrics is a hack at rhapsodomancy.
The guy who wrote these lyrics is a hack at rhapsodoma-domancy.

TRUMP:
My po-li-ti-cal prowess is banal and unspectacular
It’s up to Pence to get me up to speed on the vernacular

I’ll send your ass to Gitmo ’cos you mocked this angry Tweet I sent
Believe me I can do it for I am the U.S. President.

LES DEPLORABLES:
He’ll send your ass to Gitmo ’cos you mocked this angry Tweet he sent
Believe him he can do it for he is the U.S. President.

c_scalefl_progressiveq_80w_800TRUMP:
Who knew I’d be so popular with all the white supremacists?
For that you cannot blame me, though I’ll gladly take the benefits.

And Muslims shouldn’t fret much if they see me haul a cleric in
It’s not the same as what we did to Japanese Americans

My thoughts on reproductive issues border on draconian
You’ll find my stance on women’s rights enshrined in the Smithsonian.

The broads all spurn my offers of an orgy bacchanalia
But it’s no bother, I just grab them by the genitalia

depplorable3LES DEPLORABLES:
But it’s no bother, he just grabs them by the genitalia
But it’s no bother, he just grabs them by the genitalia
But it’s no bother, he just grabs them by the geni-genitalia

TRUMP:
My status as a billionaire caucasian gives immunity
I’ll mock the Muslim crippled female lesbos with impunity

Tho’ I’m a Baby Christian, I’ll be damned if I am penitent
For by a technicality, I am the U.S. President.

LES DEPLORABLES:
Tho’ he’s a Baby Christian, he’ll be damned if he is penitent
For by a technicality, he is the U.S. President.

tangerine-07TRUMP:
In fact when I know what is meant by “constitutionality”
When I appoint my cabinet with patent whimsicality

When my base of supporters know the promises I cannot keep
And national security intrudes upon my beauty sleep

When I have learn’t the social progress made in our society
And why it gives my alt-right friends such fits of sheer anxiety

In short, when I can figure out just how you all gave me a pass
In four more years I’ll try to pull another rabbit from my ass

trumpshockreuters-800x430LES DEPLORABLES:
In four more years he’ll try to pull another rabbit from his ass
In four more years he’ll try to pull another rabbit from his ass
In four more years he’ll try to pull another rabbit, rabbit from his ass

TRUMP:
My narcissistic nature has been verified empirical
If we survive this quarter score, ’twill be a bless-ed miracle

Though while you wring your hands and gnash your teeth and offer your lament
There’s nothing you can do about it, I’m the U.S. President.

LES DEPLORABLES:
Though while you wring your hands and gnash your teeth and offer your lament
There’s nothing you can do about it, he’s the U.S. President.

Lyrics by Tom Musgrave (with a one-line assist by Dr. Wes Flinn),
inspired by Sir W.S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan

* – Pronounced “Lay day-plo-RA-blech”**
** – I hate Les Misera-blech

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