Christmas began in earnest last Tuesday in the Lexington area. One of the local radio stations shifted its programming to All Christmas, All the Time, the latest effort to get us thinking about the holiday season as early Valentine’s Day. This must stop. So I am declaring an all out war on Christmas.
Every year, the holiday advances further forward in the calendar like stormtroopers marching into Poland (or the Jedi Temple if you’re not quite up on your world history and/or you still live in your parents’ basement). It has walked over Thanksgiving and has Halloween dead in its sights. Kids, don’t be surprised if next year you receive a candy cane in your trick-or-treat bag. And if a last-minute amendment to a major appropriations bill passes in the lame duck session of Congress, Homeland Security will forward to Santa Claus the names of all children caught toilet-papering the house on the corner where the mean old lady lives. That’ll earn you an automatic berth on the “Naughty List.”
I’m suspicious of any holiday that can’t stay within its own borders, and I am especially wary of Christmas in July. That’s just a tinsel-laden sleeper cell waiting to be unleashed into the American summer. What a prepubescent kid does in the privacy of his own bunk at computer camp should absolutely have no bearing on him getting that Commodore 64 he’s pined for all year.
So I’m going to keep an eye on you, Christmas, and I’m going to build my army to put you back within the safe confines of December 1 through January 6. Regime change is coming, and you can bet your roasting chestnuts I’ll be putting the “missile” in “mistletoe.”
It’s a homonym, folks. Do try to keep up.